1
00:00:02,986 --> 00:00:05,666
(theme music playing)
2
00:00:17,584 --> 00:00:19,644
(knocking)
3
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,400
How's it going?
4
00:00:21,472 --> 00:00:23,012
Mm.
5
00:00:23,090 --> 00:00:24,440
Come on, let's see!
6
00:00:29,030 --> 00:00:33,270
Well. "Mother's name:"
Oh, I see you used Stacey.
7
00:00:33,350 --> 00:00:36,240
They better not do
a criminal background check.
8
00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:41,200
"Father or Guardian:
Bernard McCullough."
9
00:00:41,274 --> 00:00:44,124
Why you put that?
It's your name, isn't it?
10
00:00:44,194 --> 00:00:46,044
Don't nobody know
Bernard McCullough.
11
00:00:46,047 --> 00:00:47,577
But everybody knows
Bernie Mac.
12
00:00:47,656 --> 00:00:49,706
You got to know how
to use the angles.
13
00:00:49,783 --> 00:00:50,973
That's the name of the game.
14
00:00:51,043 --> 00:00:52,843
I thought the idea
15
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,960
was to get in
on my own merit.
16
00:00:55,038 --> 00:00:58,548
And I don't want
to use any angles.
17
00:00:58,625 --> 00:01:00,375
Honey, she's right.
18
00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:03,720
So, Nessa, what are you going
to write your essay about?
19
00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:07,387
I don't know yet.
It's supposed to be a personal statement.
20
00:01:07,467 --> 00:01:09,977
Well, you personally know
Bernie Mac.
21
00:01:10,053 --> 00:01:12,113
A lot of kids
can't claim that.
22
00:01:13,723 --> 00:01:15,073
(sighs)
23
00:01:15,150 --> 00:01:17,080
America, you know me.
24
00:01:17,152 --> 00:01:19,572
And I don't usually like to play
the Mac Man card,
25
00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:22,160
but desperate times call
for desperate measures,
26
00:01:22,232 --> 00:01:24,912
and I'm desperate to get
at least one of these kids
27
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:26,085
out of my house.
28
00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:29,201
Ah, yeah.
29
00:01:29,281 --> 00:01:30,681
Hey! (loud tapping)
30
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,997
Come on, let's go! Dinner!
Let's go!
31
00:01:33,076 --> 00:01:36,416
(shouting and tapping)
Come on, let's go!
32
00:01:36,496 --> 00:01:39,256
Hey, baby!
Drop it like it's hot!
33
00:01:39,332 --> 00:01:40,972
Come get it
while it's hot!
34
00:01:41,042 --> 00:01:43,732
Honey, it smells fabulous,
but I gotta go.
35
00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:44,604
I'm in a rush.
36
00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:46,180
What?!
Yeah, honey,
37
00:01:46,256 --> 00:01:48,306
I'm going to that sales
conference at the Westin.
38
00:01:48,383 --> 00:01:50,143
Babe, I got a roast served
for six--
39
00:01:50,152 --> 00:01:51,732
me plus four--
come on, now!
40
00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:53,767
Oh, and you know what?
Don't wait on the kids.
41
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:56,187
Jordan has play rehearsal,
Bryana has soccer
42
00:01:56,266 --> 00:01:58,226
and Vanessa's having
a salad in her room.
43
00:01:58,310 --> 00:02:00,990
Fine. I'll eat dinner
by my doggone self.
44
00:02:01,062 --> 00:02:03,992
I ain't got to worry
about nobody belching at the doggone table.
45
00:02:04,065 --> 00:02:05,525
Chewing with their
mouth wide open.
46
00:02:05,543 --> 00:02:08,583
Sitting up there, man,
grabbing without asking.
47
00:02:08,653 --> 00:02:10,333
I'll have me a nice,
quiet dinner
48
00:02:10,405 --> 00:02:11,825
in a civilized atmosphere.
49
00:02:11,907 --> 00:02:13,207
Hey, where you going?
50
00:02:13,283 --> 00:02:15,513
In front of the TV. Where else?
51
00:02:19,089 --> 00:02:20,559
(door closes)
52
00:02:22,292 --> 00:02:24,262
I'm hungry.
I need dinner.
53
00:02:24,336 --> 00:02:26,006
You ever think to call?
54
00:02:26,087 --> 00:02:28,347
Sorry.
55
00:02:28,423 --> 00:02:30,893
Here. You're a big girl.
56
00:02:30,967 --> 00:02:32,567
Heat it yourself.
57
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:49,407
(electrical popping)
58
00:02:49,486 --> 00:02:50,606
BERNIE:
I hear that cellophane.
59
00:02:50,688 --> 00:02:53,658
You best not be eating
my fudge strips.
60
00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:55,370
What the...?
61
00:02:55,450 --> 00:02:57,300
(electrical popping
continues) Lord!
62
00:02:57,377 --> 00:02:58,727
My Baby Girl know better
63
00:02:58,637 --> 00:03:00,297
than to put aluminum foil
in the microwave.
64
00:03:00,372 --> 00:03:02,762
She ain't got the sense
God gave a pigeon!
65
00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:08,845
(zapping sound)
66
00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:10,692
(strangled grunt)
67
00:03:12,634 --> 00:03:16,784
(fantasy flashback music
playing)
68
00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:28,582
(somber music playing)
69
00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:38,884
Mrs. Mac?
Yes?
70
00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:41,342
Would you like to bring
your children up now?
71
00:03:41,413 --> 00:03:43,013
They're not
my children.
72
00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:45,590
You can take
them anywhere.
73
00:03:45,667 --> 00:03:46,807
Children?
74
00:03:54,259 --> 00:03:58,019
SINGER (slow song):
♪ Peace, peace ♪
75
00:03:58,096 --> 00:04:00,396
What are we supposed
to do up here?
76
00:04:00,473 --> 00:04:01,903
(mumbles)
I don't know.
77
00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:03,645
Act sad or something.
78
00:04:03,727 --> 00:04:05,237
(stifled laughter)
79
00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:06,736
Uncle Bernie!
80
00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:08,113
Uncle Bernie!
81
00:04:08,189 --> 00:04:09,279
He can't hear you.
82
00:04:09,357 --> 00:04:10,947
He's dead.
83
00:04:11,026 --> 00:04:13,616
But I need sour cream.
84
00:04:13,695 --> 00:04:15,415
(sighs)
85
00:04:17,082 --> 00:04:18,582
(somber harp music playing)
86
00:04:18,658 --> 00:04:20,378
Oh, Shimmy, he looks good.
87
00:04:20,452 --> 00:04:23,052
They did a good job.
He looks so lifelike.
88
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:25,880
Yeah, except his gums
aren't flapping.
89
00:04:25,957 --> 00:04:28,877
I don't think I've
ever seen him this quiet.
90
00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:32,764
It's actually kind of nice.
91
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,813
Well, I'm out of here.
92
00:04:38,395 --> 00:04:42,275
Huh! Thanks for the Escalade.
93
00:04:44,434 --> 00:04:47,794
Well...
(grunting)
94
00:04:47,863 --> 00:04:49,573
you won't need this
where you're going.
95
00:04:49,647 --> 00:04:51,597
(pants)
It might burn up.
96
00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:57,826
BERNIE (voice echoing):
Go ahead, take my chain.
97
00:04:57,906 --> 00:05:01,666
I'm still going to haunt you.
(menacing laughter)
98
00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:02,967
(screaming)
99
00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:07,756
(laughter fades)
100
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:12,014
BRYANA:
Is he dead?
101
00:05:12,087 --> 00:05:13,297
Should I poke him?
102
00:05:13,380 --> 00:05:15,110
No. He's still breathing.
103
00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:16,222
Uncle Bernie?
104
00:05:16,299 --> 00:05:17,729
Uncle Bernie?
105
00:05:17,809 --> 00:05:19,349
JORDAN:
He's coming to, he's coming to.
106
00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:20,641
(groaning softly)
BRYANA: What's wrong?
107
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:22,480
(panting softly)
Is he sick?
108
00:05:22,555 --> 00:05:24,725
(peaceful harp music playing)
109
00:05:24,808 --> 00:05:26,018
BERNIE: Oh.
110
00:05:26,101 --> 00:05:27,911
Hey, angels.
111
00:05:29,455 --> 00:05:31,985
My darling angels.
112
00:05:32,065 --> 00:05:34,315
He's delusional.
113
00:05:34,401 --> 00:05:36,701
(sirens in the distance)
114
00:05:36,778 --> 00:05:37,538
Oh...
115
00:05:37,612 --> 00:05:40,912
(tinkling music playing)
116
00:05:40,990 --> 00:05:44,580
WOMAN:
Mr. Mac! Mr. Mac!
117
00:05:44,661 --> 00:05:47,171
Mr. Mac, I'm going to take
your blood pressure.
118
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:51,137
Oh...
Did you see the angels?
119
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,338
Pupils are
slightly dilated.
120
00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:55,010
Oh...
121
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:56,718
B.P.'s 100 over 60.
122
00:05:56,798 --> 00:05:57,848
Mr. Mac...
123
00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,638
♪ Angel, oh... ♪
124
00:05:59,717 --> 00:06:01,387
Mr. Mac, do you feel
any pain?
125
00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:03,993
♪ Do you feel the pain? ♪
126
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:08,324
(sobs)
Oh, the kids are angels!
127
00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:10,857
I knew they were angels!
128
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,221
He's in shock.
129
00:06:12,297 --> 00:06:15,277
Mr. Mac! Mr. Mac,
do you know what day it is?
130
00:06:15,358 --> 00:06:17,908
Don't you know
what day it is?
131
00:06:17,986 --> 00:06:19,736
It's my birthday.
132
00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:21,365
I been reborn.
133
00:06:21,382 --> 00:06:23,252
I know what's going on now.
134
00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:24,878
There-there go the angels!
135
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:28,180
Remember the angels
I was telling you about?
136
00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:30,085
America, they Bernie's Angels.
137
00:06:30,165 --> 00:06:31,875
And it's my birthday.
138
00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:33,598
(squeals)
139
00:06:39,632 --> 00:06:41,312
(Bernie mumbling gibberish)
140
00:06:41,384 --> 00:06:43,694
WANDA:
All right, honey. Here we go.
141
00:06:43,761 --> 00:06:45,151
Here we go.
142
00:06:45,221 --> 00:06:47,661
Where are they?
Honey, are you okay?
143
00:06:47,732 --> 00:06:49,402
I'm fine. I just
want to see them.
144
00:06:49,476 --> 00:06:51,146
Oh, look,
there they are.
145
00:06:51,227 --> 00:06:54,237
(moaning and blubbering)
146
00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:56,744
Um... Uncle Bernie,
are you okay?
147
00:06:56,816 --> 00:06:58,826
Oh, Nessa...
148
00:06:58,836 --> 00:07:01,236
I'm fine.
149
00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:03,115
Thank you so much
for asking.
150
00:07:03,198 --> 00:07:06,368
You're such
a caring person.
151
00:07:06,451 --> 00:07:09,041
And thank you
for saving my life.
152
00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:10,960
Did it hurt, Uncle Bernie?
153
00:07:11,039 --> 00:07:13,519
Maybe you'll develop
super powers like the Incredible Hulk
154
00:07:13,592 --> 00:07:15,052
when he was exposed
to gamma radiation.
155
00:07:15,126 --> 00:07:17,886
Have you experienced
any changes? VANESSA:
156
00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:20,051
I don't know,
like maybe his bedpan
157
00:07:20,131 --> 00:07:21,221
sticking to his butt
like a magnet.
158
00:07:21,299 --> 00:07:23,889
(falsetto laugh)
159
00:07:23,968 --> 00:07:27,228
Oh, you such
a funny little lad.
160
00:07:27,305 --> 00:07:29,725
What a clever mind!
161
00:07:29,807 --> 00:07:31,897
Promise me you won't
ever change.
162
00:07:31,976 --> 00:07:33,276
(emotionally)
Promise me! Okay...
163
00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:34,687
Promise you'll never change.
164
00:07:34,771 --> 00:07:35,871
I promise.
165
00:07:35,947 --> 00:07:37,737
Oh, my little angel.
166
00:07:37,815 --> 00:07:39,565
Don't hit me, Uncle Bernie!
167
00:07:39,651 --> 00:07:41,991
I didn't mean to kill you!
Please don't be mad!
168
00:07:42,070 --> 00:07:43,750
(high-pitched, overcome)
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
169
00:07:43,821 --> 00:07:45,551
No, I'm not mad!
170
00:07:45,624 --> 00:07:48,084
You're my little angel!
171
00:07:48,159 --> 00:07:51,339
All y'all my angels!
172
00:07:51,412 --> 00:07:53,962
Y'all precious in my sight!
173
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,420
-(Bernie sobbing)
-Oh, that's sweet, honey.
174
00:07:56,501 --> 00:07:58,381
All right, someone's
had a long day.
175
00:07:58,461 --> 00:08:00,051
Let's let your uncle
get some air.
176
00:08:00,129 --> 00:08:01,299
Come on, honey,
let 'em go.
177
00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:02,595
Let 'em go.
178
00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:04,098
Come on, lay it on me.
Come on.
179
00:08:04,175 --> 00:08:05,605
I love you...
180
00:08:05,685 --> 00:08:07,595
WANDA: We'll do
what the doctor said, let's...
181
00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:09,813
I think that shock
fried his brain.
182
00:08:09,889 --> 00:08:11,899
-(Bernie sobbing incoherently)
-WANDA: Okay.
183
00:08:11,909 --> 00:08:13,729
Yeah. Deep fried.
184
00:08:13,810 --> 00:08:17,280
America, I could
have died tonight.
185
00:08:17,355 --> 00:08:19,105
And what if I did?
186
00:08:19,190 --> 00:08:20,780
Who'd teach those kids?
187
00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:23,332
I'm the only father figure
they got.
188
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:25,293
And Jordan? He's only 13.
189
00:08:25,363 --> 00:08:26,923
Who's going to teach him
how to drive?
190
00:08:26,998 --> 00:08:28,368
And what about Nessa?
191
00:08:28,449 --> 00:08:30,379
I'm supposed to be the one
she watching
192
00:08:30,451 --> 00:08:31,831
to learn how to choose
a husband.
193
00:08:31,911 --> 00:08:33,801
And I don't know if you notice,
America,
194
00:08:33,871 --> 00:08:36,141
but she's not watching me yet.
195
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:38,246
And Baby Girl...
196
00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:40,800
(emotionally)
there's so much Baby Girl don't know.
197
00:08:40,878 --> 00:08:44,898
America, I don't have
a moment to lose.
198
00:08:44,975 --> 00:08:48,425
Now, Jordan, each layer
of meat is separated
199
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:50,135
by the cheese.
200
00:08:50,155 --> 00:08:53,015
Turkey, Swiss.
201
00:08:53,099 --> 00:08:55,529
Ham, Provolone.
202
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:59,072
Corned beef, mustard.
203
00:08:59,147 --> 00:09:02,867
Now, there's a Mac
sandwich, right there.
204
00:09:02,942 --> 00:09:04,362
It's huge.
205
00:09:04,436 --> 00:09:07,246
(emotionally)
Now, remember. The key is mustard.
206
00:09:07,322 --> 00:09:10,792
Life is too short
for cheap mustard!
207
00:09:10,867 --> 00:09:13,677
(uncertainly)
Hey, Nessa?
208
00:09:13,753 --> 00:09:15,973
Want me to teach ya
how to make a Mac sandwich?
209
00:09:16,047 --> 00:09:17,837
Um, I'm good. Thanks.
210
00:09:17,915 --> 00:09:20,335
(wounded)
Aren't you forgetting to say something to me?
211
00:09:20,418 --> 00:09:22,388
Good-bye.
212
00:09:22,462 --> 00:09:24,392
No, the "I love you."
(small sob)
213
00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:25,974
If I could teach you
kids one thing,
214
00:09:25,983 --> 00:09:27,933
it's to always say,
"I love you."
215
00:09:28,009 --> 00:09:28,979
Mm-hmm.
216
00:09:29,060 --> 00:09:30,600
(emotionally)
Because you never know
217
00:09:30,678 --> 00:09:31,988
when you're going to get
another chance.
218
00:09:32,063 --> 00:09:34,023
Mm-mm.
219
00:09:34,098 --> 00:09:35,518
(door closes)
220
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:38,110
(still emotional)
I love her!
221
00:09:38,186 --> 00:09:39,486
And I love you, too!
222
00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:42,236
I love you!
223
00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:45,875
You have a glass of water,
a fork and a cucumber.
224
00:09:45,952 --> 00:09:47,702
Now, which one of
these three items
225
00:09:47,713 --> 00:09:49,883
does not belong
in the microwave?
226
00:09:51,658 --> 00:09:54,788
Well... no one likes
hot cucumbers.
227
00:09:54,869 --> 00:09:59,839
(Stevie Wonder:
"Heaven Is 10 Zillion Light Years Away")
228
00:09:59,850 --> 00:10:02,340
MAN:
You tighten the lug nuts in a star pattern.
229
00:10:02,418 --> 00:10:03,888
You hear that,
Jordan?
230
00:10:03,961 --> 00:10:06,221
A star pattern.
Now, don't forget that.
231
00:10:06,297 --> 00:10:08,257
What's a star pattern?
Ah, it's easy. It's just like...
232
00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:09,721
No, no, no,
no, no.
233
00:10:09,735 --> 00:10:11,685
Listen, Jordan,
this is very heavy.
234
00:10:11,770 --> 00:10:14,190
What is it?
Every other nut.
235
00:10:14,263 --> 00:10:16,063
Microwave popcorn,
236
00:10:16,140 --> 00:10:20,370
food in
a microwave-safe container,
237
00:10:20,445 --> 00:10:22,145
or a fork?
238
00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:25,240
♪ Will walk her righteous
streets someday ♪
239
00:10:25,316 --> 00:10:28,236
♪ They say that heaven is
10 zillion light years away ♪
240
00:10:28,319 --> 00:10:30,629
You got your gaiters,
you got your crease in your britches.
241
00:10:30,705 --> 00:10:32,205
Now there you go.
242
00:10:32,215 --> 00:10:34,545
That's Chi Town,
that's how we do it, boy.
243
00:10:34,626 --> 00:10:36,956
They used to tell me,
"Bernie Mac, you're crazy.
244
00:10:37,036 --> 00:10:39,206
You can't put your sweater
inside your slacks."
245
00:10:39,288 --> 00:10:40,708
Who's kwazy now?
246
00:10:40,790 --> 00:10:42,670
Start tucking.
247
00:10:42,750 --> 00:10:45,970
Now make sure your...
your T-shirt is even, okay?
248
00:10:46,045 --> 00:10:48,925
When you tuck your sweater in,
make sure that everything--
249
00:10:49,006 --> 00:10:50,636
you don't have no bulge
in the back.
250
00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:52,481
Look like you came
from the washroom.
251
00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:55,782
♪ That's what
my friends ask me ♪
252
00:10:55,855 --> 00:10:58,565
♪ And I say
it's taken Him so long ♪
253
00:10:58,650 --> 00:11:04,610
♪ Cause we've got
so far to come ♪
254
00:11:04,689 --> 00:11:06,779
The ball of tinfoil.
255
00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:08,122
Yes!
256
00:11:08,192 --> 00:11:12,622
♪ Why can't they say
that hate... ♪
257
00:11:12,697 --> 00:11:15,837
(upbeat jazz playing)
258
00:11:21,497 --> 00:11:24,917
You see, son, jazz is not
like all the other music.
259
00:11:25,001 --> 00:11:28,811
It feeds the mind
and enriches the soul.
260
00:11:28,888 --> 00:11:31,108
Jordan, when I think
that I might have passed from this Earth
261
00:11:31,182 --> 00:11:35,602
and never introduced you
to the joy of Coltrane, I...
262
00:11:35,678 --> 00:11:37,018
I just...
263
00:11:37,096 --> 00:11:38,976
Uncle Bernie, can I
borrow some of your CDs?
264
00:11:39,056 --> 00:11:42,106
I'd like to continue
enriching my soul in my room.
265
00:11:42,185 --> 00:11:43,685
'Course you can.
266
00:11:43,770 --> 00:11:45,540
Aw, thank you,
Uncle Bernie.
267
00:11:45,613 --> 00:11:47,493
Oh, wait.
268
00:11:47,565 --> 00:11:48,915
That boom box
in my room--
269
00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:52,084
the bass is broken
in the left speaker.
270
00:11:52,153 --> 00:11:54,043
I guess I just can't
hear the bass.
271
00:11:54,113 --> 00:11:55,293
What?
272
00:11:55,364 --> 00:11:56,664
Are you kwazy?
273
00:11:56,741 --> 00:11:58,501
That's Charles Mingus, man.
274
00:11:58,576 --> 00:12:00,536
You gotta hear the bass.
275
00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:02,420
You gotta smell
the funk, baby.
276
00:12:02,497 --> 00:12:04,337
Oh, we'll get you
a new boom box.
277
00:12:04,415 --> 00:12:06,045
Aw, thank you,
Uncle Bernie.
278
00:12:06,125 --> 00:12:07,095
You're welcome.
279
00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:18,555
(panting)
Baby Girl.
280
00:12:18,638 --> 00:12:22,478
Baby Girl.
Please wake up, Baby Girl. Wake up, wake up.
281
00:12:22,558 --> 00:12:24,188
Do you know where I keep my gun?
282
00:12:24,268 --> 00:12:25,448
You have a gun?
283
00:12:27,021 --> 00:12:29,121
Never mind.
Go back to sleep.
284
00:12:33,903 --> 00:12:37,713
Ooh, ooh, ooh, Nessa,
you got some mail here.
285
00:12:37,782 --> 00:12:39,372
Stanford University.
286
00:12:39,450 --> 00:12:40,830
Give it.
Hold on. Wait a minute.
287
00:12:40,910 --> 00:12:42,040
No.
"Join us at Stanford.
288
00:12:42,119 --> 00:12:44,049
"Meet and greet.
Can I have--
289
00:12:44,121 --> 00:12:46,551
"Meet the representatives
from Stanford University.
290
00:12:46,624 --> 00:12:49,054
Give it.
See the Stanford spirit."
291
00:12:49,126 --> 00:12:51,966
Aw, Nessa, you got a chance
to score some points.
292
00:12:52,046 --> 00:12:53,546
Oh, we're going to this.
293
00:12:53,631 --> 00:12:55,061
"We"?
Yeah.
294
00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:58,056
This says "Vanessa
Tompkins and family."
295
00:12:58,135 --> 00:12:59,725
I'm family.
296
00:12:59,804 --> 00:13:02,244
Can I have my mail?
Mm-hmm.
297
00:13:04,308 --> 00:13:06,898
You know, Nessa, you can
really learn a lot from me
298
00:13:06,978 --> 00:13:08,408
if you weren't so hardheaded.
299
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:10,748
(upbeat music playing)
300
00:13:11,899 --> 00:13:13,249
I love you.
301
00:13:16,195 --> 00:13:17,945
I do.
302
00:13:18,030 --> 00:13:21,080
She is a tough nut to crack,
America,
303
00:13:21,158 --> 00:13:22,748
but I'll get through to her,
304
00:13:22,827 --> 00:13:24,667
just like I got through
to the boy.
305
00:13:24,745 --> 00:13:27,215
He's soaking it up
like a sponge.
306
00:13:27,298 --> 00:13:29,468
(jazz music playing)
307
00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:31,092
(door slamming)
308
00:13:31,168 --> 00:13:32,218
(jazz stops)
309
00:13:33,605 --> 00:13:35,885
(hip-hop playing)
♪ Lovely love ♪
310
00:13:35,965 --> 00:13:38,305
-♪ That's me ♪
-♪ Lovely love ♪
311
00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:40,564
-♪ What size, player? ♪
-♪ That's me doing it, doing it right ♪
312
00:13:40,636 --> 00:13:43,856
-♪ Right, I'm saying ♪
-♪ Come and get me, girl ♪
313
00:13:43,931 --> 00:13:46,071
♪ Uh-huh, I'll make you
happy, girl ♪
314
00:13:49,353 --> 00:13:52,123
(downbeat music playing)
315
00:13:57,987 --> 00:13:59,747
Hey, Nessa...
VANESSA: No.
316
00:13:59,822 --> 00:14:01,252
I am not done.
317
00:14:01,324 --> 00:14:03,754
I haven't even started,
so stop asking.
318
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,550
I wasn't going to ask you
about your essay.
319
00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,468
I wanted you to have this.
320
00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:10,218
What is it?
321
00:14:11,801 --> 00:14:13,431
I was watching Oprah.
322
00:14:13,502 --> 00:14:16,982
Last night she had
a lady on there was dying of cancer.
323
00:14:17,056 --> 00:14:18,886
So, she made her
daughter a tape
324
00:14:18,966 --> 00:14:21,846
to share all her life wisdom.
325
00:14:21,928 --> 00:14:25,478
So, this is my gift to you.
326
00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:26,820
Just one of many.
327
00:14:28,476 --> 00:14:29,776
You watch Oprah?
328
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,486
Religiously.
329
00:14:31,562 --> 00:14:34,212
(indistinct chatter)
(soft jazz music playing)
330
00:14:48,162 --> 00:14:49,962
All right, Nessa,
here we are.
331
00:14:50,039 --> 00:14:52,209
Now go on over there
and introduce yourself. Go ahead.
332
00:14:52,291 --> 00:14:55,021
They're talking.
They'll be talking to you if you go over there.
333
00:14:55,094 --> 00:14:57,224
Come on,
I'll go with you. No.
334
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:59,860
I can do it
by myself. Okay.
335
00:15:03,803 --> 00:15:04,983
What do I say?
336
00:15:05,054 --> 00:15:06,824
Just go there
and strut your stuff
337
00:15:06,898 --> 00:15:08,688
and do the
Bernie Mac Five-Step.
338
00:15:08,766 --> 00:15:10,356
The what?
339
00:15:10,434 --> 00:15:12,614
The Bernie Mac Five-Step.
On the tape, I showed you.
340
00:15:12,687 --> 00:15:14,157
You did watch the tape,
didn't you?
341
00:15:16,366 --> 00:15:18,406
She didn't watch the tape,
America.
342
00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:21,204
You remember that Bernie Mac
card I told you about?
343
00:15:21,278 --> 00:15:23,698
Well, I'm about to play it.
344
00:15:23,781 --> 00:15:25,471
WOMAN: Nice to meet you.
345
00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:29,670
Oh, man, am I glad
that's over. Let's go.
346
00:15:29,745 --> 00:15:31,045
Okay, you get
to the car.
347
00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:32,886
I'm going to go
use the bathroom.
348
00:15:39,389 --> 00:15:40,639
MAN: He--
349
00:15:40,715 --> 00:15:41,805
Hi.
How you doing?
350
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:44,056
The perfect martini.
351
00:15:44,135 --> 00:15:47,935
But when you grow up,
you use gin instead of soda.
352
00:15:48,014 --> 00:15:50,234
(clears throat)
353
00:15:50,307 --> 00:15:53,187
What's wrong, Jordan?
Drink up.
354
00:15:53,269 --> 00:15:54,929
(sniffles)
355
00:15:55,004 --> 00:15:56,614
It's just I'm worried about
losing you, Uncle Bernie...
356
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:58,869
I mean, what if I do?
357
00:15:58,950 --> 00:16:01,700
Who would teach me then?
(sniffles)
358
00:16:01,777 --> 00:16:04,327
Uncle Bernie,
would you make me tapes?
359
00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:06,999
You want tapes?
360
00:16:07,074 --> 00:16:08,964
I'll make you
hundreds of tapes.
361
00:16:09,035 --> 00:16:10,745
Jordan, I'll teach you
everything I know.
362
00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:13,422
(loud sniffle)
You would do that for me?
363
00:16:13,497 --> 00:16:15,587
I'd be honored.
(continues sniffling)
364
00:16:15,666 --> 00:16:17,306
Thank you, Uncle Bernie, but...
365
00:16:17,385 --> 00:16:20,045
I'm just worried
about the VHS format.
366
00:16:20,129 --> 00:16:22,809
I'm worried
it'll go obsolete!
367
00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:25,182
(sniffling and sobbing)
368
00:16:25,259 --> 00:16:28,269
(crying)
I didn't think about that, Jordan.
369
00:16:28,345 --> 00:16:31,395
This is one of Oprah's
favorite things.
370
00:16:31,474 --> 00:16:33,214
Entirely digital.
371
00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:35,688
You can load them onto this
and watch them forever.
372
00:16:35,770 --> 00:16:37,490
Aw, thank you, Uncle Bernie.
373
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:39,863
You're welcome.
Is this the 60 gig?
374
00:16:39,940 --> 00:16:42,210
(rapturous sigh)
I love you.
375
00:16:43,628 --> 00:16:46,118
Jordan's Tape
376
00:16:46,197 --> 00:16:48,457
Boxers or Briefs, Part One.
377
00:16:50,034 --> 00:16:51,934
-How could you?
-How could I what?
378
00:16:52,003 --> 00:16:53,793
I talked
to my guidance counselor.
379
00:16:53,871 --> 00:16:56,761
You went behind my back
and pulled your "I'm Bernie Mac" routine.
380
00:16:56,832 --> 00:16:59,222
Why would you do that to me?
381
00:16:59,293 --> 00:17:00,803
I was just trying to help.
382
00:17:00,878 --> 00:17:02,148
Well, I don't need your help.
383
00:17:02,221 --> 00:17:05,311
I don't need anything
from you.
384
00:17:05,382 --> 00:17:07,022
(door slams)
385
00:17:10,387 --> 00:17:11,947
BRYANA:
Where'd you get that?
386
00:17:12,023 --> 00:17:13,563
Uncle Bernie
gave it to me.
387
00:17:13,641 --> 00:17:14,821
Why?
388
00:17:14,892 --> 00:17:16,322
Because he's crazy.
389
00:17:16,393 --> 00:17:17,493
No, he's not.
390
00:17:17,561 --> 00:17:18,821
He's not?
391
00:17:18,896 --> 00:17:21,246
Then why does he
walk around like this?
392
00:17:24,535 --> 00:17:26,865
(imitating Bernie)
When you poach an egg, don't use too much water.
393
00:17:26,946 --> 00:17:30,286
(coughs)
Always trim your nose hairs counterclockwise.
394
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:34,090
Oh, and lotion your elbows, boy.
Ashy ain't cute!
395
00:17:36,497 --> 00:17:37,677
What?
396
00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:41,024
(sighs)
397
00:17:43,754 --> 00:17:45,934
I tried to tell you.
(sighs)
398
00:17:46,006 --> 00:17:48,176
(downbeat music playing)
399
00:17:48,193 --> 00:17:50,893
This tape is for you, America.
400
00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:53,350
Parenting Tip
401
00:17:53,430 --> 00:17:57,490
If you want to be happy,
don't have kids.
402
00:17:58,703 --> 00:18:00,203
You know, honey,
I'm just saying
403
00:18:00,279 --> 00:18:01,899
I can help you
with the essay.
404
00:18:01,981 --> 00:18:03,411
I'm a little
concerned that
405
00:18:03,491 --> 00:18:04,821
you're kind of running
out of time here.
406
00:18:04,900 --> 00:18:06,080
No, thanks.
407
00:18:06,152 --> 00:18:07,582
I'm not going to Stanford.
408
00:18:07,653 --> 00:18:09,873
Everybody knows I'm not
smart enough to get in,
409
00:18:09,947 --> 00:18:11,827
so why pretend?
Forget it.
410
00:18:11,907 --> 00:18:13,377
Oh, you don't
believe that.
411
00:18:13,459 --> 00:18:15,249
And you know we
don't believe that.
412
00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:18,387
Then why did Uncle Bernie
go behind my back
413
00:18:18,464 --> 00:18:21,064
and practically bribe
everybody to let me in?
414
00:18:22,593 --> 00:18:26,303
Hey, I don't know
what your uncle did,
415
00:18:26,380 --> 00:18:28,390
but I know
whatever he did,
416
00:18:28,465 --> 00:18:31,675
he did it because
he believes in you.
417
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:33,320
Yeah, right.
418
00:18:35,097 --> 00:18:36,897
You know what?
419
00:18:36,974 --> 00:18:38,074
Come with me.
420
00:18:38,142 --> 00:18:40,732
Come on.
421
00:18:40,745 --> 00:18:43,315
WANDA:
Come here. Look at this.
422
00:18:43,397 --> 00:18:47,447
Your uncle has spent 30 hours
making these tapes.
423
00:18:47,526 --> 00:18:49,196
Okay? Now look.
424
00:18:49,278 --> 00:18:50,658
Moisturizing, Part One.
425
00:18:50,738 --> 00:18:52,908
You know there's a part two.
(chuckling)
426
00:18:52,924 --> 00:18:55,004
Small Engine Repair.
427
00:18:55,075 --> 00:18:56,995
Tipping. Why?
428
00:18:57,077 --> 00:18:59,337
See? Look at that.
429
00:18:59,413 --> 00:19:02,063
For My College Graduate.
430
00:19:02,133 --> 00:19:05,563
Now, does that sound like
someone who doesn't believe in you?
431
00:19:09,340 --> 00:19:11,350
Hey.
432
00:19:11,425 --> 00:19:12,605
Hey.
433
00:19:14,011 --> 00:19:16,271
Hey, you don't have
to say anything.
434
00:19:16,347 --> 00:19:18,227
Aunt Wanda
already told me.
435
00:19:18,307 --> 00:19:19,767
You don't want
to go to Stanford.
436
00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:24,084
But, Nessa, I really feel
you can get in there.
437
00:19:24,155 --> 00:19:25,785
But if you don't want
to write the essay,
438
00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:27,945
no worries, no worries.
439
00:19:28,025 --> 00:19:30,075
(laughs)
Too late.
440
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:31,706
I already finished it.
441
00:19:40,496 --> 00:19:43,846
"Tell about the person
who most influenced your life"?
442
00:19:54,969 --> 00:19:56,739
Nessa, you wrote a essay
about me?
443
00:20:02,017 --> 00:20:03,647
Nessa, I don't know what to say.
444
00:20:03,727 --> 00:20:05,317
(sniffing)
445
00:20:05,396 --> 00:20:08,816
You know how much I...
I know, I know.
446
00:20:08,899 --> 00:20:10,819
Please don't say it again.
447
00:20:10,835 --> 00:20:14,625
All right. All right.
448
00:20:16,573 --> 00:20:19,043
(slow, moving song playing)
SINGER: ♪ Ooh ♪
449
00:20:19,118 --> 00:20:21,788
Love you, too.
450
00:20:21,870 --> 00:20:24,470
♪ Ooh ooh ♪
451
00:20:26,709 --> 00:20:30,259
America...
JORDAN: Uncle Bernie?
452
00:20:30,337 --> 00:20:32,677
I came here to apologize
like a man
453
00:20:32,756 --> 00:20:34,556
just like you taught me.
454
00:20:34,633 --> 00:20:36,773
I'm sorry.
455
00:20:36,844 --> 00:20:38,694
Oh, Jordan,
that's okay.
456
00:20:38,762 --> 00:20:40,942
Will you still teach me?
457
00:20:41,015 --> 00:20:42,615
Of course, I will.
458
00:20:42,692 --> 00:20:44,532
Shoot, in fact,
I got something
459
00:20:44,601 --> 00:20:46,901
I want to teach you
right now.
460
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:51,703
And that is it's okay
for a man to cry. Remember that.
461
00:20:51,775 --> 00:20:54,705
And that's why
I'm giving this to your sister right now.
462
00:20:56,363 --> 00:20:58,383
(sobbing)
No!
463
00:20:58,457 --> 00:21:00,037
You see, America,
the boy's a fast learner.
464
00:21:00,117 --> 00:21:01,527
No! Please,
Uncle Bernie!
465
00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:03,711
And I'll continue
to teach these kids
466
00:21:03,787 --> 00:21:06,047
Please, give it back!
as long as they continue to need teaching.
467
00:21:06,123 --> 00:21:09,053
(sniffling)
Please! Remember that.
468
00:21:09,126 --> 00:21:11,596
Shut... Man, shut up.
I should have fired on you when you were in there
469
00:21:11,679 --> 00:21:13,759
talking about
me behind my back. No!
470
00:21:13,839 --> 00:21:16,219
Sometimes you got
to let a person think they're winning.
471
00:21:16,300 --> 00:21:19,400
No!
(laughs) He thought he
472
00:21:24,808 --> 00:21:26,528
to teach you how
to fix a flat tire.
473
00:21:26,602 --> 00:21:29,412
But...
Come on. Let's go teach a flat tire.
474
00:21:29,488 --> 00:21:31,818
I love you! I love you!
I love you!
475
00:21:31,899 --> 00:21:33,869
MAN: It's like
watching the show. (laughter)
476
00:21:33,942 --> 00:21:35,622
(sobbing)
You want tapes?
477
00:21:35,694 --> 00:21:37,754
(sobbing)
Yeah, I want tapes! I mean...
478
00:21:37,821 --> 00:21:40,251
I'd be more than happy
to make you tapes.
479
00:21:40,324 --> 00:21:43,044
Really?
You'd do that for me?
480
00:21:43,118 --> 00:21:46,048
You jumped my line
before I could tell you what I was going to do.
481
00:21:46,121 --> 00:21:47,591
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
482
00:21:47,598 --> 00:21:49,378
Tell you what
I was going to do.
483
00:21:49,458 --> 00:21:51,478
(whining in unison)
MAN: Cut!
484
00:21:56,349 --> 00:21:57,519
Captioned by Visual Data
485
00:21:57,569 --> 00:22:02,119
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0